I’ll Be… Just Fine.

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Since I liked your eyes,I sent my reply.

Since you liked my hair, I allowed you to stare.

I liked your eyes, I sent another reply.

I could pass on his feet, because they looked so beat.

Worn from all the places he’s been.

I said hello and that’s how it begins.

A simple reply just to pass the time.

Enjoying just letting go of time.

But time showed it’s face after just a few dates.

Foolish for me to imply, nonetheless I granted space.

Now it’s been over a months time,

Three full moons, symbolic this I know.

What it means, that I just don’t know.

If it was up to me, I’d know with surety and a shout.

No confusion or petty moments of doubt.

Together no, not ever. Ever since I replied I changed my fate.

I’d like to be considerate and more right and thorough. But no longer will I force myself , and just be true.

If I don’t feel it and neither do you.

Let’s just end this, and that’s what we’ll do.

That night was the last, a few moments before I knew.

Knew that I wanted to forget you.

Knew that I didn’t want you.

Knew that I wouldn’t continue to entertain you.

Knew that this wasn’t it, truely nothing against you.

I just knew that it wasn’t you.

I’d be a fool to continue pushing through. Blinded until I made the mistake of loving you.

No games as I don’t have the space for you.

Over it is and I wish the very best to you.

I know I was great, and I pray for myself to continue living this way.

Never bitter, beaten and cowering from love, friendship, bonds and ties all alike.

I’ll be fine and so will you.

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Psychology

Not my first love but my dearest second. Psychology is a passage into one of many hidden dimensions in life. We can either apply it like simpletons or become resourceful, delving into the intricate web of the human psyche. Divulging our hidden, repulsive, delightful and purest selves. Destroying and concocting the world as we know it into either what it is or what we want it to be.

Psychology is enlightening continuously, on how sensitive the human mind and actions are to influence. Influence can be found and hidden in many ways and things. Sounds, actions, pictures, while awake and asleep.

Exploring all areas of the human being. Bringing rationality to what we once preached to be symptoms of insanity. The concept of something manipulating our behavior other than ourselves; controlling our actions. Messages are being sent and received.

To summarize, my love for psychology is founded on the ideology of controlling and being controlled. Most fear and reject this discovery. But I don’t, I embrace it and acknowledge it as an aspect of life. But can I counter-attack? Re-persuade my sub-conscious into what I deem upright, knowledgeable and suitable behavior. It is the year 2019, I am a product of my surroundings and a victim of knowledge. Studies of the human mind and its functions, beloved behavior manipulation, social learning, cognitive and cultural dissonance. It is a fact that someone or people are is guiding our world beliefs, religious infatuations, sexual norms, racial identification, social justice and even our definitions of freedom. Entitlement, allotment or earned through battle?

Developmental psychology, Social and personality, Biological. My highest interest lies in perception and behavioral psychology, Cognition & cognitive neuroscience. Freud, Skinner, Carl Jung, John B. Watson, Alfred Binet and many more. Psychology is not summarizable as “why the world is round?” A better description would be why do you believe the world is round, whom or who told you so? Why do you perceive it as true? Why don’t you question the world being round? Why did you take so long to consider thinking of the possibility of misinformation of the world being round? And who and what is suppressing or manipulating your thinking? And if we find out we have been misguided, why do we give the dictator or facts the benefit of the doubt and say it was an un-intentional misguidance. Why can’t we aknowlegde that the world is cruel in every way in the year 2019 just as it was three thousand years ago. No one is handing over information and if they are, you and I should be cautious of free information.

This is what psychology means to me, I do believe others summarize and prioritize different aspects. But this is similar to salvation for the mind, we all get touched by a different preaching sermon and style. My dearest Second love, Psychology.

Mortgaged Time

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No time. why do we feel like we don’t have the time to advocate for things and people that we believe are important?

  •  Primed to mortgage our time on superficial occupations.

We live out our days on this earth going to school religiously to get our ideal job. Then we date frantically to find our harmonious spouse. And then we squabble vehemently to provide for our perfect family.

  • There is never enough time for everything.

With careers, schooling, and families, plus our necessary leisure time to rejuvenate. There is never enough time to do the things we know are important but are convinced has no benefit other than emotional gratification.

 

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Warning made up the following scenario:

Everyday Janet drives to work at her local DMV center. In her routine day, she realizes that customers are complaining about how the new law requires them to have the best car insurance financially possible. They have to submit a portfolio of their income and expenses. Proving that they’re spending the most they can afford. All in hopes of decreasing the number of underinsured drivers being sued during car accident claim disputes.

Janet can relate with the clients that this is invasive, and she complains to clients daily. Janet also talks about the new requirement with her coworkers. Although Janet is aware of the impeachments of American citizens rights. She has the thought of not only complaining but to jump into action; she tells herself she hasn’t the time to look into the validity of her feelings. Nor does she believe her protesting will be pervasive in changing the new requirement.

  • No longer complaining but acting.

“Small steps equal huge Journies”

 

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You do not have to abandon your job, family and leisure time to be an advocate against world problems. Somehow we have contrived in our minds and applied these thoughts to our schedule that it takes so much time and long spurts of effort to succeed.

  1. Janet only needs to commit thirty minutes a day on her lunch break to look into how to go about changing laws as a citizen of Little Rock.
  2. Make a list of what she thinks is required to change the new law.
  3. What constitutes “illegal law practices”?
  4. How have people in the past changed laws that were voted into everyday play?

The more she knows and looks into answering her questions, the less she will feel her desired end result is impossible for her to accomplish.

  • Praise and Envy to the Devoted Protesters/Advocates.

Deep within us, we can acknowledge the praiseworthiness of people who will advocate and not only complain about problems in life. Secret Envy of individuals who dedicate their lives to “The Cause”. Regardless of societies pressure’s; telling them to put their picket signs down and join the local job force.

  • Mainstream Media has Victimized Our Minds Into Thinking of only Extremities.

Either you went to school and you work the “nine to five” plus occasional overtime. Or you are a whimsical emotionally driven human, who refuses to earn a proper living. All because you utilize your education to irritate, in hopes of reformation.

 

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We are constantly prapelled to respond to abominations and outcries of those mutilated, yet we can’t find the time to become a protester. Who constantly utilize their free time or prioritizes all of their time to better the world.

  • Under-Estimating The Importance Of Emotional Gratification, Incurred by Acting upon our desire to change the World.

Incomplete, our feelings when we suppress our innate urge to campaign and rally change.

 

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Feeling Stuck…

Symptoms of suppressed Desires:

  1. Anxiety
  2. Slight/Light depression
  3. Muscle tension
  4. Unsettled; mentally and physically. Feeling the need to busy yourself constantly resulting in empty feelings.
  • Positive Manifestations derived from the Evolution of Human Urges.

All human desires are not promiscuous/evil. Nor do they lead you away from normal operations in life.

Alleviation of our connate calling to reform the world into a better place causes:

 

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  1. Effective
  2. In control
  3. Efficient
  4. Influential
  5. Complete
  6. Empowered
  7. Enriched with awareness of life’s purpose emotions.

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This place in Time

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Have you ever craved a particular kind of music?

But can never find the style that meets your current feeling.

This is something new to me.

I’ve always known what song, what artist, and the exact tempo to play to coincide with my inside yearning.

But as of late, I can’t seem to find a song, artists, or genre to agree with my current space.

I am not a one genre kind of person

I mingle in pop, classical, rap, Rnb, Country, and jazz, Practically everything under the Sun.

But as of right now I struggle to find someone who matches my place in time.

I know tons of songs, but none seem to fit.

They don’t eas my mind and make me think “That’s it!”

I’ve reluctantly come to the conclusion that maybe I’ve grown to another frame of mind.

Including the oldies, all the way back to the twenties up until now.

Nothing, and I mean nothing soothes my soul.

It might be “when you know more, more is required of you” type of phenomenon.

Considering with this feeling came my desire to start my blog and start writing more.

As well as my personal decree to stop watching tv and many other idle things, and replace those moments in time with informative videos, and books.

This is what caused my spiral into watching TEDx talk videos about self-love, how to achieve your goals. I’ve listened to Malcolm Gladwell books, Read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

Which, has revolutionized my daily expectations in my current life.

I now want more love from myself for myself as well as to others. I don’t want to live stereotypically vague. Working, searching for love, with an internal itch for something more out of my life.

In the moments of these feelings, I have times where I just have the urge to cry.

I don’t particularly think I have many reasons to cry.

I don’t believe myself to be pessimistic just realistic on my outlook on life.

Whatever the cause may be at least I think I know what the effect on myself is going to be.

A part of me does not want to completely leave what I have known and allowed to be my comfort.

But, then the other part of me knows that it will kill me if I never leave these things behind.

I will continue to lay in bed at night and negate the unwise things I let consume my time.

Which leads to my guilt of daily spending my time, resulting in me doing random things at night. Reading, schoolwork, Tedx videos, Research, all because I feel guilty about the things I don’t do in the day.

I want so much more from myself. And I can not wait for someone to come and hold my hand to guide me through this change. This is something that me, myself, and I, has to gird up myself and triumph through.

I know this may seem vague, but for those who understand. You as well should let go.

Let go of whatever you know is no longer good for you.

No matter how long it or they have been your source of comfort, your soul will continue to be dismayed.

I feel the beckoning to change, and I don’t want to criticize myself for not leaving these things behind. They are not the center of the universe. Let alone my world.

  • I will break free from this chain, even though its things that I have attached to myself.
  • I have engaged in my own persecution, mutilation, and subjugation. I knowingly submit myself to people and things.
  • I no longer want this in my life.

As of this moment in time, I am still unsure of the true meaning behind my inability to find music to my taste and be truly engaged in other idle things, tv shows, movies, and futile things, that doesn’t do me any good. I who call myself an adult, feel that I have to be entertained by primordial kinds of paraphernalia.

I’m learning to retrain myself to enjoy at all times things that are truly beneficial to my mind, body, life, and future. I no longer want to want tyrannical  ( pleasures) that are typical; teaching me nothing but how not to trust, bad stereotypical traits of men, women, other races, and even of my next of kin. Its no longer desirable, and I won’t succumb. Replacing them with profitable interests.

I felt that I was suppressing my desire to write, change my daily routine, and attributes of my life, which was a suppression of myself. Inside of this movement that I created, I hope it creates a stampede within myself. So that I will blitz towards truth and true betterment of myself and spirit. Which, will manifest in all aspects of my life.

This place in time.

 

 

Darkness

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While thinking, I suddenly thought how warm darkness is.

I assume a good way to get a glimpse into a persons mental state is by asking how they feel about darkness.

And by darkness, I mean discribe your feelings on a deep dark night when you step outside.

When younger, I was scared of the night. My mind would be filled with thoughts of what ifs. (Someone or thing was lurking around waiting to pounce.)🕵️‍♂️

Never taking the time to realish in the beauty of the night.

Quite, peaceful , stillness, and settle soft breezes of wind tickleing my face.

The beauty of the night sky.

Maybe its just me experiencing the warm florida nights.

But, the night is so warm. It just feels just right at times.

It’s quite, my thoughts are loud and clear with no interruption,except from my next train of thought.

Everyone talks about how breathtaking the sky is in day time. Or a tear jurking stary night.

I enjoy the pitch dark nights where you wounder where everything and one is hiding.

Do you go outside at night?

What for?

How does it make you feel?

Please dont be afraid, dont think of the monsters of the day.

Let the night cleans you.

There is beauty in the dark night sky.

Maybe even more than the bright day.

Because the dark sky forces, faith and hope for another day.

Darkness has its own kind of brightness.

We just have to stop to feel it.

It can feel heavy or light, maybe it depends on the night.

I guess it depends on your view of the night.

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Type of Blog “About Me and You”

Hello Contradicties, Yes I’m already labeling you as one of my tribe members but that might be another story that you can find out about at my, In The Beginning was the….. story.

Assuming that you are now returning from reading about my beginning, of rising from the ashes and now ascending into greatness( embracing the fact that I’m a contradiction). You’re wondering about the purpose and life behind this blog.

At the end or almost to the end I started talking or we can say talk typing about expecting the unexpected in this blog world. And that “you are not alone there is a tribe of fellow contradicties, who share your struggles, interest, and awesomeness.” ( yes, I just quoted myself.:)

And Yes I will talk about everything and anything on this blog so do not (In my passive aggressive voice :), confine my blog and life to one single category.We contradicties are greater than that, we do not behave like other rigorous, rule-abiding people of the outside.

This blog will be creating a whole new universe in the categories and niche in blogs. It shall be called the Contradicting blogs.

 

That means I will indulge you in my personal opinions, life lessons and hopeful aspirations.

I hope that every reader and skimmer will learn to enjoy and scroll away with something new from my past and future adventures. I will talk about…

  1. Homeschooling
  2. Hardships of homeschooling(stereotypes)
  3. Natural hair journey
  4. Trying to strive for greatness at a young age
  5. How farming in Florida Aint so Idealistic
  6. How pigs can breed like goats(watch out)
  7. Super Learning
  8. Psychology
  9. Law Internship
  10. How I obtained an internship as a junior in high school
  11. How to analyze people on site
  12. Why I believe you shouldn’t force you kids to go to college
  13.  And many other topics including K-dramas, societies downfall.
  14. Bad jokes that I wouldn’t tell anyone in person.

I have many goals for this blog. The best way to type-scribe ( describe mixed with typing.:) it would have to be a give and take relationship that I hope to build with you, my readers.

I will share your struggles, interest, and awesomeness. I hope we grow together for the good of our well-being as people.

I believe that we should start by fixing individual people first and once the world has more good people then the world can start becoming a better place.

People have a life mission of “making the world a better place”, forgetting that people make up the world.

So, in this blog world, we have a mission to make individual people better thinkers, more knowledgeable, even though I may seem to approach some matters light heatedly. There are going to be times of seriousness, where I type about my serious thoughts and I expect every reader’s honest opinion.  I strive for wisdom, not just knowledge. Meaning that I want to utilize the information I learn not just have it in my head for the basis of a good conversation.

All so that I and all of my readers(currently figments of my imagination) can grow together to greatness. And from here on out this is our home base where you can tell me anything you would like to have me discuss or type about. I will be more than willing to take you up on any journey.

As long as I can, one afford to go on that journey. Unless anyone wants to fund my journey(not really). Then I suggest we stay in our Contradicting world where everything is free and complimentary.

That being way to do it if possible.  Gotta blast! To infinity and beyond! And Hakuna Matata! (It means no worries, you’re a contradiction. 🙂

 

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In the Beginning

Love

Good Love

Sweet Love

My Love

Tinder Love

Love, Love and Love

Timeless Love

Diligent Love

Patient Love

Forgiving Love

Love ,Lovely ,Love!

In thee beginning was Love.

Till the end of time Love will love.

Love remembers, Fears, Joys, and Hopes.

Love is Endless, Boundless and Confusion Free.

The world, will end in love where it began.

Good Love?

Filled with Good Love!

Simple and true, I think about love so much it’s becoming the truth .

So conclusive and forthcoming no longer a ghost to me.

Like breathing air, and saying nightly prayers.

Its pulsing in my body like blood I swear.

Confiscated my pains and cleaned up my soul.

When I see couples bearing happiness in their faces and prosperity in the soul.

Families big and small, up and down the place I stare.

I start to dance when I see couples, young or old.

Love is ringing in my head, plucking at my senses to get into formation and find my own love.

Sweet love makes me feel warm.

Dwelling on love.

Swirling in my vains.

Stirs my soul in a fluttery fashion.

Calling me to play.

Jump, twirl and spin.

I paraid around feeling joyous .

And I take a swing at it.

Throwing myself all in.

Love lovely Love not synthetic and confusing.

Mindful Love makes the world spin and continue to fill.

The End is declared from the Beginning.

Who Cries Besides I?

Does the grass cry, when pasture and lawns are being mowed?

Do trees cry out to God, asking to ease the pain when being chopped?

Do flowers scream when being plucked?

If not then what’s wrong with I?

The birds cry out in hunger.

The fish swim to better waters.

Again I ask, who am I?

I’ve never heard a plant cry and beg.

Do they understand their life more than I?

As creation seems more at peace than I.

So who cries besides I, when life plucks it up?

I can’t hear a sound when a tree is struck to the ground.

Lightning strikes and fields go up in billows of smoke.

Submissive, I say to a single strain of grass lying in the palm of my hand.

Yielding to the twist and turns of life.

Creation seems to understand this fickle life more than I.

To the Sun, Star’s and Moon I salute you. How accepting you are of a seemingly brutal fate.

To the trees and fish who cries more than I?

Seems they’ve all learned a trick and left me out the mix.

Content with living life as it comes and moves them about.

Aware that they are grass and fish are fish.

Understanding that they must swim to be a fish.

And then there’s me.

Who cries more than I?

Born unsure of my life’s fate.

Unsure of what it is that I’m supposed to do.

Still I cry.

Cry day and night.

I pray, “Lord give me sight throughout my days.”

As the green grass grows and dies, so will I.

Embracing time and life’s seasons.

Creation doesn’t cry in winter.

Things just wither and die.

Is it because they know?

Know that seasons come and go.

Who am I to cry?

The human body was built to take this life.

I have shelter from the wind and storms. The grass doesn’t, and still I cry.

The birds nest outside and up high. I rest low, enclosed and I sleep warm and tight.

Still I cry.

Who cries more than I and my fellow man?

Maybe God as he says we were made in his image.

If I read I may find what makes God cry.

Turns out creation does cry.

It cries out and mourns, bears witness and holds grudges against man.

But we can’t hear.

Funny thought, that creation knows more than I.

More than mankind combined.

For when creation cries, it’s not up to the moon or to one another.

Creations smarter then man, crying out to the creator of the land.

Instead of searching for a human ear.

Look to the grass and how it grows.

Taking every opportunity it gets to grow.

Soaking up the sun when out, resting though the night.

Dying when the time comes.

creation all cries.

But who more than I and all of mankind.