Something I noticed through personal experiences was males and their heightened sense of masculinity. Simply from observation and a few occasional questions. Confirming my conclusion, was a recent discussion with my mother and sister; we agreed that some men have a false sense of masculinity.
I do not blame them for this abnormality, some traits are simply social learning. Nonetheless, we all as adults have to come to a point in our lives where we begin to challenge our socially learned behaviors.
I am also aware of the sensitivity around this particular subject, however, I can not idly stand still. At the very least I have to share my point of view. This is a subject that I plan to expound deeply upon in the future as I continue to personally contemplate its veracity. Currently, I plan to skim over the top just to pique others opinions.
Male Masculinity; Male Relationships:
During my observations, I have come to notice how men have a slightly altered conception of what masculinity is. As well as proper alleviation methods of emotional scars, that are attached to mans view on masculinity. These observations are predominantly pertaining to heterosexual African-American males.
In our society, I believe that most males are not prepared for the emotional and or psychological scars attached to a broken father relationship or from not having one at all. We openly discuss how these males are affected financially and educationally.
Our society promotes and helps many to believe that if they have succeeded in these two fields without a proper male guide or relationship then they have overcome this obstacle called masculinity.
Yes, this is a huge accomplishment but you are most likely not a well-rounded male. Who fully understands manhood, adulthood, and masculinity.
If you do not have a proper definition or example of something chances are very slim that you truly understand the concept. Now you can be aware of how a proper relationship is supposed to be conducted from a distance. Even this hinders you to only understanding mentally, not emotionally. In other words, it’s comparable to sympathy and empathy.
Sympathy is you logically and or are mathematically calculating to understand the concept and reality of what the relationship is in its proper form.
Empathy, is living and feeling through personal experiences, the true give and take behind proper healthy male relationships.
With that being stated, if you do not have a proper upbringing or life experience in a healthy male relationship, the odds are that your living under a pseudo-masculinity.
Examples: of false male masculinity.
- When you easily internalize and feel that your masculinity is being challenged when you are disrespected by another human.
For further example, I was talking to my brother about different kinds of disrespect. I asked if he knew of different kinds or if he immediately interpreted them as a challenge of his manhood? His response was that he never considered there to be different kinds.
And I explained that it all depends on the relation.
- One can be disrespected on a human level: not given their rights as a fellow person.
- Intimate disrespect: not acknowledging their right to information based on the deepness of the relation.
- Either disrespect to womanhood or manhood: This one is more generally pertaining to an adult not being treated with general adult curtsies.
2. When you do not understand the concept of respecting another man’s authority.
I have observed that some men have a hard time submitting themselves to another man in a higher position. They believe respecting another mans authority somehow diminishes their own.
Never realizing that they have nothing to do with each other. They feel threatened and believe at any moment they may lose whatever masculinity they have if they show respect. In some instances, they’ll have an understanding that respecting another man will not destroy their masculinity. But then they have a tendency to level the relationship, not knowing how to properly reverence an elder. They turn the respect to a general adult courtesy. which is not the same thing.
3. You believe that there always has to be a top dog in multiple male relationships.
Unable to generally respect each others standing. No one has to play the bitch role. In a friendship, you have to decide what societal rules are governing the relation.
If there are three males in a relationship, where two went to school together and they both meet the later at work. The two school peers should be equals. In most instances, this is not so. One either is highly found of the other and therefore loves or cares more for the other and allows him to play out his desire to be in the leadership role. Or the submissive male, views himself inferior in some way thus, the reason behind his willingness to submission; allowing the other male to play the dominating role.
It is the same as a male and female relationship, the woman loves the man Therefore she allows him to play his desired role. Or the female has an inferiority complex and she is attracted to a super masculine male. Who has a false sense of masculinity, because if he did not he would not find this woman or this kind of friend attractive. Or better explained as ego boosting, giving them the constant approval that they need.
Back to the beginning example, when the third male comes into the relationship. The hierarchy is in need of a reshuffle, if the new male is dominating, or does not have a false masculinity issue. Who does not need an insecure male to feed into his dominating desire of a role in the relationship? He has the desire for an equal, IE; companionship.
Someone who he does not have to play the dominating role around. Who can think of their self, not needing a dominant male to make decisions in the friendship and or relationship?
4. When you do not like and or are unwilling to submit to a female as an authority figure.
This is similar to the inability to submit to male authority. They feel threatened when they are placed in the position of learning from a female. So just switch out the male to a female and you have the same concept, but the intensity heightens.
5. When you believe that a woman’s place is in the home.
With this belief, you’re sending everyone a message that you feel threatened when a woman has a job, business, or is simply able to provide for herself.
Which make no sense at all. You’re insecure in your masculinity, adulthood, dependability, and mental capabilities. And you constantly need to be needed, rather than wanting a woman or spouse who simply wants you around for the want of companionship. Not necessary survival.
This is similar to a handsome man surrounding himself with undesirable men to constantly reassure himself of his good looks.
This is a serious inferiority complex, but not our normal complex.
Same thing with a smart man surrounding himself with idiots to constantly reaffirm his belief in his mental ability.
Lastly, someone who constantly hinders their child from growing and becoming independent, because they need to feel needed in life.
These are all the same characteristics, just transpired in different walks of life. And for some particular reason, our society ignores them in the male; with their false sense of masculinity.
Now, this is completely separate from man’s desire to be in leadership positions. But this false masculinity can spill over into this area of a man. Causing their significant other ( IE; woman) not wanting to give in to their desire for leadership roles.
Women naturally prefer the role of helping and the man relishes in the field of delegating out tasks. And there is nothing wrong with these desires. when a woman loves a man she will willingly let him lead, not because she doesn’t know how, but because she loves him and its what he wants to do. And she wants him happy. And vice versa, relationships are all about give and take. Sacrifice to make the other happy.
It is a long tale of why and how we have come to our current misconceptions in the field of relationships between men and women. One can start the breakdown by reading The Five Love Languages. An amazing book by Gary Chapman.
- Words of Affirmation: Someone who uses words to affirm other people. Someone who wants love expressed to them through words “I love You”…..
- Quality Time: All about giving the other person your undivided attention. Unlike the words of affirmation, words are cheap and don’t please them.
- Receiving gifts: Receiving tangible gifts make them happy and feel loved.
- Acts of Service: Actions speak louder than words, and want to be gifted with a helping hand in life.
- Physical Touch: A touch of the hand to show genuine concern and love is what gives them joy.
With that now being said, my sister and I have proposed to do a polling of men to get a wider understanding of how this specific demographic of men portray masculinity, adulthood, and healthy male relationships.
We also want to gather other women experiences, to see if what we have discovered is a widespread trait.
The Questions for women and then for men are as follows.
- define masculinity.
- Define healthy male relationships between father and son, brother to brother, friend to friend, and stranger to stranger. Probe for in-depth explanations of boundaries and intimacy in these relationships.
- Give examples of what you have personally witnessed in these types of relationships.
- Are they what you define as healthy?
Then ask yourself the following.
- Do you think males have a false sense of masculinity?
- Do they seem to quickly feel that their masculinity is being threatened? On a scale from one to ten grade your encounters?
- Do most men you know have male relationship issues?