My fear is that I’m Loveless.
That I don’t have the strength to love someone else.
That I fear rejection so much that I’ll never truely open up to someone.
To this day the 9th of September in the highly esteemed year of 2018.
I’m a broken puzzle, trying to stop myself from scattering my pieces.
At least I can congratulate myself on the ability to make friends.
Someone that I talk to daily; She knows of my secret manipulative ways.
Allowing me to confide in her about my life choices.
But back to my opening statement. I dont know if I’m being rightly cautios.
Or if I’m barring myself from love. All because I have a fear of being unhappy.
Crying at night, wondering where my loved one is! (Hypothetical speaking)
Ducking in fear from my beloved’s, dagerous words stabing my heart. Tearing my emotions down word by word, throwing my past descesions at my face.
(Not to say that I would tolerate such abusive ways)
Refusing to allow me to repent and throw my bad tendencies behind me.
Neither do I want to tell someone all, of my wrongs.
(only for the fear of being judged)
Then when I flip the switch I want to be open, stupindously free; uncover my dark streaks.
I dont think I’m necessarily the worst.
But I hate my down falls passionatley.
Staining my pallet with bitterness.
Upsetting my stomach and causing it to swell…
It makes my insides quiver and ache.
Tople over and under.
I fear that I’m trying to wash away my sins so hard that I’m pushing away any potentially good men. Who are also cleansing their self.
(Not really just think what if.)
I fear it stims from my dedication to self love. Suffering from poor self worth.
My mind goes on and on with estranged situations and variable situations.
If I’m sinning, or struggling with a bad characteristic trait. Then not yet am I rady for a relationship.
Refusing anyone who doesnt seem to have the ability nor capacity to help, keep me away from my addictions.
So I just turn them away.
I don’t know If I can love another, or myself!