My deepest sorrow was also my purest joy.
I found the true meaning of life in the depths of life’s deepest disparities.
I held on to peace when my mind ached with profound dismalness.
I planned and strategized my greatest plan while feeling barely alive.
This is the tale of two minds when I lost everything I thought was dear to me.
Without family or close friends. Just my broken spirit, the word of God, a note pad and a pen.
I cried during the day and studied my bible through the night.
Sleep wasn’t peaceful because I felt overwhelmed with my fear from the forced realization of my limited human strength.
I lost my job, and people I thought of as family & friends, or general loved ones. My force and source of life changed.
With my two minds, I reformed my earth and allowed God to breathe life into my new form.
I found out how to heal the mind and cuddle a curdled soul.
This state of being led me to really uncover my life’s worth and re-educate myself to walk on a purer life path.
Not reaching for a goal, but steadily walking forward, step by step towards God’s throne.
I was afraid but Not Alone!
In the heat of the day, I would lay and read books. Write songs I never finished and poems I didn’t dare to publish on the web.
Words swarmed inside and I battered them onto my notebook’s page.
I relived my life choices a hundred thousand times, with mustard seed faith trying to mentally turn back the hands of time.
I wondered if I had stayed at work longer or not have been so diligent and prude. I wouldn’t feel the pangs of disappointment from allowing myself to be discarded and misused.
I was willing to bleed & sacrifice for the life I thought I was worthy to receive.
I embodied my work’s title and felt deserving of being seatted on life’s mystical throne.
The Beginning of Forgiveness is Removing the Shield of Justification……
In the beginning, I was filled with such justifiable anger and rage.
Never again would I allow myself to be used.
I thought to myself I would never sign up to play as anyone’s fool.
I hated them, and the unfair trails life was throwing in my path. As I write, I think I still do. I’m learning how forgiveness works. But I realized I’ve forgiven only because the Lord forgave me too.
But in the depths of my heart, vengeance was stocking a steady flame.
Daily I prayed “Lord forgive me of my debts as I forgive those who have trespassed against me, and let your unfailing love surround us, me and my two minds with love as I swallow the bitter taste of reasonable hate; for our hope lies within you.”
Each day I took my daily bread and I prayed to be fine. To have joy and get through my storm but I constantly began to re-sink.
Only I could save myself because everyone has to confess out of their mouths “Lord I need your help.”
It was the best of times while the very worst of times that I’ve ever known. Inward, I moaned and groaned to stretch my third person, also known as the soul. In due time, it grew, nursed with the sweet milk, sent from God’s kitchen. Nurtured was my soul until I was raised up and ready for a spiritual baptism.
On the third day, I arose to tread upon the terrible waters, raging in the depths of my own bitter soul.
If only I could see into the future, I’m sure I would find peace in knowing in due time all things will be fine.
Vengeance Belongs to the Lord….. Let Them That Have Eyes See the Invisible yet Visible Laws That BE
Forgiveness, what exactly is it?
Is it peace, or is it a higher understanding?
Is it joy everlasting?
Is it sight beyond what the physical eyes can see?
Is it prayer without ceasing?
Is it “peace be still” or “forgive them father because they know not what they do”?
Or is it the stillness & restfulness that the disciples felt? When Jesus peacefully slept at the bottom of the creaky, rocking boat amid the biggest storm the disciples eyes had ever seen?
Is it, “If she only knew who it is that asks”, she would ask and receive living water from God’s living well.
Is it a quenched thirst in a desert place, as you turn your back to not see the last breath of your thirsty babe?
Is it Rome reaching desperately to spread across the Kingdoms of God’s earth?
Maybe Mary weeping at the feet of Jesus as he laid down his own life?
Was it Pontius Pilot not finding any fault yet authorizing 30 stripes?
Is it putting your good child once hidden into a basket and letting them sail downstream with your eyes trailing them as far as eyes can see?
Or is it the sign of a bow that’s occasionally arched in the sky?
Likely it’s the verse where Jesus wept and moaned. Questioning how long will He be with us as he worried about our little faith.
Forgiveness is letting God hold our hand and fight the battle at hand.
It’s remembering that we fight not against flesh and blood but against powers, principalities, and rulers of darkness in high and low places.
Maybe forgiveness is accepting God’s will is what our reality currently is.
And I think that I understand forgiveness a little more today than last year.
I’m also okay with learning how to bridge the gap between my two minds.
One is of Vengence & Hate.
The other half is for forgiveness & peace beyond my limited understanding.