Author: contradictionof99

Being a contradiction was a struggle from early youth, then I realized it was a bonus not a minus to my character. I enjoy gaining new life experiences all thanks to being a contradiction. I'm a high school senior who is also homeschooled, and I'm striving to be a lawyer, young entrepreneur and family business, lady. I have many goals and I want to encourage as many people of all ages and demographics to start early with their dreams. Even if you're uncertain about where you'll end up in life.

Love Me… I Dont Know How

My fear is that I’m Loveless.

That I don’t have the strength to love someone else.

That I fear rejection so much that I’ll never truely open up to someone.

To this day the 9th of September in the highly esteemed year of 2018.

I’m a broken puzzle, trying to stop myself from scattering my pieces.

At least I can congratulate myself on the ability to make friends.

Someone that I talk to daily; She knows of my secret manipulative ways.

Allowing me to confide in her about my life choices.

But back to my opening statement. I dont know if I’m being rightly cautios.

Or if I’m barring myself from love. All because I have a fear of being unhappy.

Crying at night, wondering where my loved one is! (Hypothetical speaking)

Ducking in fear from my beloved’s, dagerous words stabing my heart. Tearing my emotions down word by word, throwing my past descesions at my face.

(Not to say that I would tolerate such abusive ways)

Refusing to allow me to repent and throw my bad tendencies behind me.

Neither do I want to tell someone all, of my wrongs.

(only for the fear of being judged)

Then when I flip the switch I want to be open, stupindously free; uncover my dark streaks.

I dont think I’m necessarily the worst.

But I hate my down falls passionatley.

Staining my pallet with bitterness.

Upsetting my stomach and causing it to swell…

It makes my insides quiver and ache.

Tople over and under.

I fear that I’m trying to wash away my sins so hard that I’m pushing away any potentially good men. Who are also cleansing their self.

(Not really just think what if.)

I fear it stims from my dedication to self love. Suffering from poor self worth.

My mind goes on and on with estranged situations and variable situations.

If I’m sinning, or struggling with a bad characteristic trait. Then not yet am I rady for a relationship.

Refusing anyone who doesnt seem to have the ability nor capacity to help, keep me away from my addictions.

So I just turn them away.

I don’t know If I can love another, or myself!

Stormy Nights

Sleepy hollow, beds at night.

Sacredly hollowed.

Pitter, patter, the night runs away.

From dusk to dawn souls wonder,

Uniting in a land, some hatefully swallow.

Gently swayed by our own hearts deepest sorrows.

The night moves and all souls follow.

At night we lay. Begging for the end of our sorrows.

To meet up with old friends and kin long lost to life’s borrows.

Although we know life never gives them back.

At night we swallow.

Swallow our pride and fears.

We barrow strength to fight through the night.

At dawn we start to see….

Basking in the rays of the sun with no summer heat.

We lay in lovers arms, some in spirit; others in truth.

At night I dream of things I have yet to find true.

Stormy Night….

My sleepy soul, wallows.

Please see the below link to the song that inspired this Piece!!! 😉

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=summer+rain+carl+thomas

Cold Blood

Not bad, but cold.

Slowing my inner flow.

Disturbance to my inner sanctuary.

Deaths knocking at my door

Simply from visiting a neighbor, I grow cold.

Shivers all up and down my spine.

Cold blood, weakened pulse.

Death isn’t easy, neither does it sound trumpets before pouncing upon us.

Seeing deaths got me turning cold. Stirring my spirit, thinking if I’m ready to leave my home.

Say goodbye to my captured soulful life on earth.

Growing up in America you constantly hear how we’re so blessed And God knows best.

But then I think,”What if death was about to hit me dead in my chest. Disrupting the very air I breath”!

Ugh Hugh.

High I swell

Life is short.

But there’s no short phrase telling me how to prepare for death.

Readying me to see it.

Feel it.

And hear about it passing me by.

Deaths got me feeling cold.

As if its forever close.

A shadow hovering igniting my senses.

Occasionally tapping me on the shoulder and pointing at someone else, causing distress.

Forcing my head and my eyes to see.

Then pointing down at his watch.

I squint and stare , but I cant see the hands telling me the time I’ll drop dead.

Deaths got me feeling cold.

Cold blood to the bone.

Death came around and it got me feeling cold.

Cable strings

From my spine to my mind.

Navel cord and time.

Binding me and stringing me

Not blood and sweat but heart felt thoughts.

Him and I

No longer separate but intertwined.

Him and I.

Stitch by stitch

Every inch we’re stitched

Limb, mind, heart and soul.

Together we burn.

Sifting each other, perfecting our cause.

Dust to dust and ashes to ashes. we lay down and get back up.

Inseparable, we’re matches.

Igniting each others flames

Like gasoline on my fire.

We burn slow and steady.

No abrupt combustion but intently set apart concupiscence love.

Tink Tink

Tink tink; I feel dry.

Tink tink; I overflow.

Tink tink; I look up at the sky.

They say eagles are a sign of good luck, but all I saw was a vulture.

Tink tink; does that mean death?

Death to my old ways?

Death to a bitter soul?

Death to my unruly ways?

Tink tink; I’m a well.

Freshly dug, and I keep digging deep.

Tink, tink I’m stubble and stone.

My life’s just begun!

I see new beginnings!

Tink tink; a garden grows.

Tink tink; its harvest time.

Tink tink; my harvest has grown!

Tink tink; I’m beaten upon the floor.

Tink tink; yes I feel pain.

Tink tink; the shaft is gone!

Tink tink; I see the fire!

Its a blazing flame.

I don’t smell flesh, its amazing grace!

Tink tink …the stubble is gone.

Tink tink; I’m firm and strong

Tink tink; I sing a song.

Tink, tink I cry aloud ” I’ve been remade and redeemed.”

Hallelujah, Hallelujah, I give Yah praise!

In Yahushua’s name.

Tink tink: Shalom!

Love on the Brain

What if I never experience matrimonial bliss?

Never entertwine my life with his?

Forget to hand him the key to my soul?

Relent that next man will be better and he’s never sent?

Will I miss the opportunity to quiver and quack?

Be moved to a deep rythythemus low tune.

Can one miss the chance to give someone else the chance?

Not setting the bar so high, they themselves can’t jump over or touch?

I wonder about my life without ever trusting someone so much with my heart.

Knowing that they know all my fragile spots.

I can’t hide or act unfazed when he called me some kind of way.

Who am I that he would trust me this much?

Hold all his insecurities, push past his hateful ways!

Because no one’s perfect and we cant all slay the day.

I dont know, but loves been on my brain. Not keeping me up at night but disturbing my thoughts at work. As I watch others and do my work.

Love is a funny thing.

Highly craved thing.

Detested thing.

Beloved thing.

It can go many ways and sadly we never know.

We all hope love isn’t broken, dead or a foolish fairy tale. And than either we or our parents, friends and associates just picked the wrong one.

We all think to ourselves “I wont.”

An even smaller voice muddles. “I hope I won’t.”

On we go, living and searching for love. Giving and wanting our care to be reciprocated back.

On we go waiting for someone to give us a long anticipated heart attack.

Only in the name of love we pray!

Ardere

My love

My dear

My sweetheart and closes kin

Fine are your ways.

Time overlaps when I’m wrapped in your gaze.

To whom am I speaking?

My friend, my mate, my sweet sweet lover.

I give myself to thee, you need not ask it of me.

I’m yours from birth till death do us part.

In and out of time.

I am no longer I.

You are no longer you, but you are mines and I belong to you.

My dearest, sweet love.

Fire burns in my breast.

Churning my spirit into a tornado spinning around you.

Not just the air in my lungs but the breeze that kisses my cheeks.

The sun that burns my back.

The winter that tells me to find warmth.

You’re multi-seasonal and unconditional tinder love.

Filling me with riddles and tunes.

Telling me of poems and rhymes.

Giving me your hand and asking for my care.

I care, I do.

Telling me to come near, I run to you.

Whispering in my ear, as we cuddle under the sun.

I fear, loving you so much.

But you never stop me from coming near.

Calling me and trailing me to run

I walk and listen to you voice and humm.

I hear are song, it’ll never be done. You sing to me when you smile.

hold my hand or say a prayer.

I confess my love to you like a sinner, I’m undone.

Weak he says I make him.

Strong, I tell him he is.

Please, do not break me?

Ardere is our love.

Diablo….

I saw it suddenly and it scared me. The devils in his eye’s.

I see it clear.

Most think he the devil only dwells in the blue or green eyed men.

But this devil’s taken to my brown eyed man, singing, he sings downtown, calling it the blues.

I see it in his eyes, I hear it in his voice.

He moans and groans, scatting about his choice.

My man with the devil in his eyes, has a delightful voice.

But that’s besides the point.

He called three times, and he came.

“That son of a bitch, went and gave it up!”

The devils in his eyes, and now he’s lost his choice.

Night after night, he howls the devil’s favorite tune’s.

That thing that dwells deep within all of us, he gave his own up.

And now he sings, every night about his deal with the devil.

And people listen from dusk to dawn, to that man singing about the devil in his eyes, and how he stole his soul.

Telling stories, he says the devil whispered in his ear.

Going on about when he called three times, some late, dark night.

Telling people, “I can’t cry.”

“Cause I’m the one that let him in. Ever since that night, I can’t sleep so I stay here and chant the blues.

I see things, no man should ever see.

When I let the devil in, he made himself at home.

Can’t shoo him out, because he’s got, my soul.

My mother cried and begged me to take it back. But I couldn’t tell her, it was a done deed, signed my name, and its a cold hard fact.

Now, I just close my eyes and humm that same ole tune. And think to myself the devils got me beat. I’ll just continue to play the blues. The devil’s tune will never change, I heard it on the night he came. A, C, B, C”….

But it’s just what I heard from this ole girl who loved a brown eyed man, with the devil in his eyes.

Bless My Love

My love, my love, my dearest sweet love.

I pray God blesses you in every way.

Dear, do tell me how soon until you are near?

Near enough for me to hold.

Close enough for me to smell.

Clasping arm around arm. My love, I hope you are well.

May God bless your eyes, so that you may continue to gaze upon me lovingly.

May the Lord bless your ears, so that you may hear my voice.

Bless your feet, so you may walk straight to me.

Most of all bless your lips, that they may meet mine’s. I pray you wont be shy and continue to kiss me and move over to my check, collarbone, breast, stomach and thigh.

Picture from Pexels.com

May he bless your hard-working hands, strong and wide.

My love, my love, my dearest sweet love. God bless your soul, that it may intertwine with mine’s.

All photographs by Pexel.com

Women of the World

I can see the love in your eyes.

I can see the ache of your back and the gentleness you earn as you age upon this earth.

A woman’s worth, above fine jewels and pure gold.

They are high on the totem pole for mistreatment and abuse. There’s no burden like the burden women carry. Men wanting the privilege of beating them on both ends. Either you love me and treat me fair or you’ll have nothing from me and live your life in despair. I do long to have you and to hold, but I won’t dare bare the burden of mistreatment and live my life in fear.

Sadly not all women can make such a speech, and continue breathing air. Torn between the grief of being shunned if they were to leave or face the continuation of abuse. Can’t find their voice, because being a women means living without a choice. “There’s no speaker to amplify my voice. So what’s the point in speaking when I have no crowd to listen, no mic to speak and no speakers to increase my volume to a heart-piercing key.”

Men, how they howl and beg for whats between our legs?

Drool for the care of a woman.

Long for their mothers touch.

I heard a comedian say that if he was a woman he’d never be hungry or poor. We’ve got the sweetest honey, and the dew is always wet. But neither one guarantees your safety. when a lot of men think we ought to stay bent at the knees. Run to him, when he calls. Act pleased when we’re obviously pissed.

women of the world, tread a thin, fine line. As thin as silk, we tread it lightly although we’re shoved upon its course. High above the ground we walk, slowly we learn how to walk. With just enough twist to catch an eye, but not too much or we’ll fall from grace for being too attractive. (to the wrong eyes) Not a hoe, not a virgin. ( some magical place inbetween) Loyal but not foolishly attached. A freak but not a slut or completely to adventuress for things considered taboo. Smart but not challenging. Friendly but not overly nice. Can take a joke, Although we don’t find it funny.

With all of those demands to think some men still want to beat your ass. Verbally abuse you, confine and genocidally confuse you. Confine you to a small space in life. As if your happiness will bring his dimise

Women of the world, I see you. The love you give and the hate that you suppress. I see you, ten thousand miles away. Men call this place heaven on earth, but sometimes its a hellish gruesome place if your born a woman. Sprinkled all throughout time, women have been unfortunate to the least. Have their own children grow up and mistreat them all because they are male and she’s a feminine soul.

Women of the world I see you, you’re worth more than pure gold, rubies, onyx, black opal, RED DIAMONDS, yellow, blue and white. Purls, ten thousand camels, sheep’s, forty hard stripes. When a man finds a wife, he finds a good thing beyond value. So women of this world I see you.