Love Me… I Dont Know How

My fear is that I’m Loveless.

That I don’t have the strength to love someone else.

That I fear rejection so much that I’ll never truely open up to someone.

To this day the 9th of September in the highly esteemed year of 2018.

I’m a broken puzzle, trying to stop myself from scattering my pieces.

At least I can congratulate myself on the ability to make friends.

Someone that I talk to daily; She knows of my secret manipulative ways.

Allowing me to confide in her about my life choices.

But back to my opening statement. I dont know if I’m being rightly cautios.

Or if I’m barring myself from love. All because I have a fear of being unhappy.

Crying at night, wondering where my loved one is! (Hypothetical speaking)

Ducking in fear from my beloved’s, dagerous words stabing my heart. Tearing my emotions down word by word, throwing my past descesions at my face.

(Not to say that I would tolerate such abusive ways)

Refusing to allow me to repent and throw my bad tendencies behind me.

Neither do I want to tell someone all, of my wrongs.

(only for the fear of being judged)

Then when I flip the switch I want to be open, stupindously free; uncover my dark streaks.

I dont think I’m necessarily the worst.

But I hate my down falls passionatley.

Staining my pallet with bitterness.

Upsetting my stomach and causing it to swell…

It makes my insides quiver and ache.

Tople over and under.

I fear that I’m trying to wash away my sins so hard that I’m pushing away any potentially good men. Who are also cleansing their self.

(Not really just think what if.)

I fear it stims from my dedication to self love. Suffering from poor self worth.

My mind goes on and on with estranged situations and variable situations.

If I’m sinning, or struggling with a bad characteristic trait. Then not yet am I rady for a relationship.

Refusing anyone who doesnt seem to have the ability nor capacity to help, keep me away from my addictions.

So I just turn them away.

I don’t know If I can love another, or myself!

Cold Blood

Not bad, but cold.

Slowing my inner flow.

Disturbance to my inner sanctuary.

Deaths knocking at my door

Simply from visiting a neighbor, I grow cold.

Shivers all up and down my spine.

Cold blood, weakened pulse.

Death isn’t easy, neither does it sound trumpets before pouncing upon us.

Seeing deaths got me turning cold. Stirring my spirit, thinking if I’m ready to leave my home.

Say goodbye to my captured soulful life on earth.

Growing up in America you constantly hear how we’re so blessed And God knows best.

But then I think,”What if death was about to hit me dead in my chest. Disrupting the very air I breath”!

Ugh Hugh.

High I swell

Life is short.

But there’s no short phrase telling me how to prepare for death.

Readying me to see it.

Feel it.

And hear about it passing me by.

Deaths got me feeling cold.

As if its forever close.

A shadow hovering igniting my senses.

Occasionally tapping me on the shoulder and pointing at someone else, causing distress.

Forcing my head and my eyes to see.

Then pointing down at his watch.

I squint and stare , but I cant see the hands telling me the time I’ll drop dead.

Deaths got me feeling cold.

Cold blood to the bone.

Death came around and it got me feeling cold.

Cable strings

From my spine to my mind.

Navel cord and time.

Binding me and stringing me

Not blood and sweat but heart felt thoughts.

Him and I

No longer separate but intertwined.

Him and I.

Stitch by stitch

Every inch we’re stitched

Limb, mind, heart and soul.

Together we burn.

Sifting each other, perfecting our cause.

Dust to dust and ashes to ashes. we lay down and get back up.

Inseparable, we’re matches.

Igniting each others flames

Like gasoline on my fire.

We burn slow and steady.

No abrupt combustion but intently set apart concupiscence love.

Diablo….

I saw it suddenly and it scared me. The devils in his eye’s.

I see it clear.

Most think he the devil only dwells in the blue or green eyed men.

But this devil’s taken to my brown eyed man, singing, he sings downtown, calling it the blues.

I see it in his eyes, I hear it in his voice.

He moans and groans, scatting about his choice.

My man with the devil in his eyes, has a delightful voice.

But that’s besides the point.

He called three times, and he came.

“That son of a bitch, went and gave it up!”

The devils in his eyes, and now he’s lost his choice.

Night after night, he howls the devil’s favorite tune’s.

That thing that dwells deep within all of us, he gave his own up.

And now he sings, every night about his deal with the devil.

And people listen from dusk to dawn, to that man singing about the devil in his eyes, and how he stole his soul.

Telling stories, he says the devil whispered in his ear.

Going on about when he called three times, some late, dark night.

Telling people, “I can’t cry.”

“Cause I’m the one that let him in. Ever since that night, I can’t sleep so I stay here and chant the blues.

I see things, no man should ever see.

When I let the devil in, he made himself at home.

Can’t shoo him out, because he’s got, my soul.

My mother cried and begged me to take it back. But I couldn’t tell her, it was a done deed, signed my name, and its a cold hard fact.

Now, I just close my eyes and humm that same ole tune. And think to myself the devils got me beat. I’ll just continue to play the blues. The devil’s tune will never change, I heard it on the night he came. A, C, B, C”….

But it’s just what I heard from this ole girl who loved a brown eyed man, with the devil in his eyes.

Bless My Love

My love, my love, my dearest sweet love.

I pray God blesses you in every way.

Dear, do tell me how soon until you are near?

Near enough for me to hold.

Close enough for me to smell.

Clasping arm around arm. My love, I hope you are well.

May God bless your eyes, so that you may continue to gaze upon me lovingly.

May the Lord bless your ears, so that you may hear my voice.

Bless your feet, so you may walk straight to me.

Most of all bless your lips, that they may meet mine’s. I pray you wont be shy and continue to kiss me and move over to my check, collarbone, breast, stomach and thigh.

Picture from Pexels.com

May he bless your hard-working hands, strong and wide.

My love, my love, my dearest sweet love. God bless your soul, that it may intertwine with mine’s.

All photographs by Pexel.com

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Psychology

Not my first love but my dearest second. Psychology is a passage into one of many hidden dimensions in life. We can either apply it like simpletons or become resourceful, delving into the intricate web of the human psyche. Divulging our hidden, repulsive, delightful and purest selves. Destroying and concocting the world as we know it into either what it is or what we want it to be.

Psychology is enlightening continuously, on how sensitive the human mind and actions are to influence. Influence can be found and hidden in many ways and things. Sounds, actions, pictures, while awake and asleep.

Exploring all areas of the human being. Bringing rationality to what we once preached to be symptoms of insanity. The concept of something manipulating our behavior other than ourselves; controlling our actions. Messages are being sent and received.

To summarize, my love for psychology is founded on the ideology of controlling and being controlled. Most fear and reject this discovery. But I don’t, I embrace it and acknowledge it as an aspect of life. But can I counter-attack? Re-persuade my sub-conscious into what I deem upright, knowledgeable and suitable behavior. It is the year 2019, I am a product of my surroundings and a victim of knowledge. Studies of the human mind and its functions, beloved behavior manipulation, social learning, cognitive and cultural dissonance. It is a fact that someone or people are is guiding our world beliefs, religious infatuations, sexual norms, racial identification, social justice and even our definitions of freedom. Entitlement, allotment or earned through battle?

Developmental psychology, Social and personality, Biological. My highest interest lies in perception and behavioral psychology, Cognition & cognitive neuroscience. Freud, Skinner, Carl Jung, John B. Watson, Alfred Binet and many more. Psychology is not summarizable as “why the world is round?” A better description would be why do you believe the world is round, whom or who told you so? Why do you perceive it as true? Why don’t you question the world being round? Why did you take so long to consider thinking of the possibility of misinformation of the world being round? And who and what is suppressing or manipulating your thinking? And if we find out we have been misguided, why do we give the dictator or facts the benefit of the doubt and say it was an un-intentional misguidance. Why can’t we aknowlegde that the world is cruel in every way in the year 2019 just as it was three thousand years ago. No one is handing over information and if they are, you and I should be cautious of free information.

This is what psychology means to me, I do believe others summarize and prioritize different aspects. But this is similar to salvation for the mind, we all get touched by a different preaching sermon and style. My dearest Second love, Psychology.

An Amaranthine Love

A loud thunderstorm and a soft translucent rain.

Comparable to good loving.

A deep warm hug.

A tender kiss

A delicious meal.

Soft rain stirs my soul deeply into ustulation.

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Washing away my continuous growth of nemesism; from past and present days.

I feel like rain is a sign from God that we need to mindfully redintegrate our souls.

In one sentence the rain dirls my heart, mind, and soul.

I wonder if anyone else feels this way about the rain.

Please tell me you do?

That you experience theses ineffable feelings when the sky cries.

Either 1,2, 3, or 4 moods bewitch me.

  1. A deep euphoric sleep.
  2. Rapturous energy serges; fixing all melancholy in my eyes before the thunderstorm. Reminding me that my time is short and to be happy I have breath in my lungs. No matter my frustrations the rain renews my joy. It signals an unspoken promise that’s etched across my heart. ( Have joy in the midst of this worlds sorrow!)
  3. Equanimity; a yearning to stop all things and meditate.

Seek out calmness. Composure, of breath and watch the rain fall down my windows as I drive. Upon my skin, starting with the palms of my hands. Praying to be cleansed, as I reach out and over my porch.

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4. A deep mourning. I cry for No other reason than to let out emotions sometimes. Can’t pinpoint it to anger or frustration. The rain just calls me to cry and both sing sometimes. I don’t know if I’m crying for lost souls or for my soon to come frustration once the rain stops. But I can say it’s from the heart, slow and one by one. As if the result of each and every thought I hold dear.

Hopefully, it’s not just me, although me and rain we go way back.

We will always share our amaranthine Love.

Even in death, I’ll welcome it to my corpse.

Fall on my grave top, seep and penetrate my tomb.

Oh, how I love rain.

And he loves me too.

Diligently and sweet…

Through heartache and grief…

Rain sweeps me off of my feet.

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Mortgaged Time

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No time. why do we feel like we don’t have the time to advocate for things and people that we believe are important?

  •  Primed to mortgage our time on superficial occupations.

We live out our days on this earth going to school religiously to get our ideal job. Then we date frantically to find our harmonious spouse. And then we squabble vehemently to provide for our perfect family.

  • There is never enough time for everything.

With careers, schooling, and families, plus our necessary leisure time to rejuvenate. There is never enough time to do the things we know are important but are convinced has no benefit other than emotional gratification.

 

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Warning made up the following scenario:

Everyday Janet drives to work at her local DMV center. In her routine day, she realizes that customers are complaining about how the new law requires them to have the best car insurance financially possible. They have to submit a portfolio of their income and expenses. Proving that they’re spending the most they can afford. All in hopes of decreasing the number of underinsured drivers being sued during car accident claim disputes.

Janet can relate with the clients that this is invasive, and she complains to clients daily. Janet also talks about the new requirement with her coworkers. Although Janet is aware of the impeachments of American citizens rights. She has the thought of not only complaining but to jump into action; she tells herself she hasn’t the time to look into the validity of her feelings. Nor does she believe her protesting will be pervasive in changing the new requirement.

  • No longer complaining but acting.

“Small steps equal huge Journies”

 

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You do not have to abandon your job, family and leisure time to be an advocate against world problems. Somehow we have contrived in our minds and applied these thoughts to our schedule that it takes so much time and long spurts of effort to succeed.

  1. Janet only needs to commit thirty minutes a day on her lunch break to look into how to go about changing laws as a citizen of Little Rock.
  2. Make a list of what she thinks is required to change the new law.
  3. What constitutes “illegal law practices”?
  4. How have people in the past changed laws that were voted into everyday play?

The more she knows and looks into answering her questions, the less she will feel her desired end result is impossible for her to accomplish.

  • Praise and Envy to the Devoted Protesters/Advocates.

Deep within us, we can acknowledge the praiseworthiness of people who will advocate and not only complain about problems in life. Secret Envy of individuals who dedicate their lives to “The Cause”. Regardless of societies pressure’s; telling them to put their picket signs down and join the local job force.

  • Mainstream Media has Victimized Our Minds Into Thinking of only Extremities.

Either you went to school and you work the “nine to five” plus occasional overtime. Or you are a whimsical emotionally driven human, who refuses to earn a proper living. All because you utilize your education to irritate, in hopes of reformation.

 

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We are constantly prapelled to respond to abominations and outcries of those mutilated, yet we can’t find the time to become a protester. Who constantly utilize their free time or prioritizes all of their time to better the world.

  • Under-Estimating The Importance Of Emotional Gratification, Incurred by Acting upon our desire to change the World.

Incomplete, our feelings when we suppress our innate urge to campaign and rally change.

 

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Feeling Stuck…

Symptoms of suppressed Desires:

  1. Anxiety
  2. Slight/Light depression
  3. Muscle tension
  4. Unsettled; mentally and physically. Feeling the need to busy yourself constantly resulting in empty feelings.
  • Positive Manifestations derived from the Evolution of Human Urges.

All human desires are not promiscuous/evil. Nor do they lead you away from normal operations in life.

Alleviation of our connate calling to reform the world into a better place causes:

 

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  1. Effective
  2. In control
  3. Efficient
  4. Influential
  5. Complete
  6. Empowered
  7. Enriched with awareness of life’s purpose emotions.

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Sisu….

Ambitions got a hold on me.

It’s burning in my chest.

Eating and consuming my flesh.

Tears gleaming in my eyes, begging for success.

 

Jittery, an explosion of massive energy.

This isn’t greed, Its determination of a dream.

A manifestation.

I’ve got grit signed throughout my genes.

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Fulfillment of a proclamation.

Declaration of my previously mentioned assertation.

 

Not just verbal affirmation.

Self-driven, accumulation.

Ambitions got a knife to my throat. He even told me he’s been assigned not to let me go.

I don’t know why? I’ve got my own gun to his head.

I’ll succeed and then we can die.

I repeat this is not fueled by greed.

There’s no ambiguity nor ambivalence.

The feeling is immensely concrete.

God himself made it into a decree.

It’s written in ancient stone, fear has to flee.

There’s no space in my stomach for butterflies.

I’m filled and spilling over with ingenuity.

My mission can’t be compromised.

For the last time, this is not greed.

Just a fulfillment of intuition.

A conviction as I try to express my predisposed inner-mission.

I ingress, not simply definied as ambition.

I’ve got zeal, ammunition, hunger, and lots of time plus commitment.

I am a manifestation of the law of attraction.

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You can characterize it as my genetic predisposition.

Each heartbeat propels me forward.

This can be simplified as a confession, there can be no intercession.

Not a probability, its a fact and definitely not an anomaly.

Stamped and sealed from the beginning of time.

Lastly, I was meant to win the race.

And no, I’m not simply speaking into outerspace.

My birth symbolic, of a worldwide resurrection.

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I’ll now continue my conquest.

Even in the womb, it was coupled around my spine.

God himself, imparted me with this truth.

He said, “I’ve chosen you and you shall bear much fruit”.

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FD

Charming is this girl.

I’ve yet to make a stand on the degree of her minds command.

Just how smart and aware is she?

Pretty?

Friend?

Or hidden foe?

They say watch women.

And never undermine their ability to score.

“Hell has no fury like a woman scorned”.

I am a woman too…

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The world has yet to burn my skin.

Truce, treaty, peace pipe, a pledge of allegiance?

She’s testing me, I’m also testing her.

She seems a bit careful with her words.

Open but not open.

Telling them a truth before they ask her for the truth.

Brushing lightly with the tip of her hands.

She stares silently at her prey.

Firmly suggesting for you to bend to her ways.

Seeking out weaknesses and turning them back to see their effects in play.

She has “game” and it’s better than a few others I know.

Mind your manners, abruptly raising a hand. To see who will flinch.

What is her mission?

 

 

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Is she an alpha female or a follower of tales?

I’ve yet to decide, although I feel negatively impressed by her gaze.

Her stance is not that of a stallion.

And her stare is lacking in ferocity. But to whom does she compare?

She knows not how to glide when she walks.

Yet she can cause people to watch.

Charming girl, she’s cute in her own way; surely she’s a foe who’s perfecting her monkey show.

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